Sometimes I hate all you people on Facebook.
Maybe that's my own fault. maybe I expect too much of you. Maybe by the time I finish typing this I'll have a better idea of whether that's the truth or not. I do post a lot of different things, but I actually think that most of the things that I post are interesting. Should I have my own scale for what is interesting or what is not? I want feedback. I hate feeling like I'm just throwing ideas out into the ether, with no chance of any intelligent response coming back. So how would I try to prejudge what will get a response and what won't? Should I look back at different things that I've posted, see what has gotten the most responses? Should I post the most viewed videos of the day according to Youtube? Should I post polls? Should I post my heart? Something ridiculous that people can't help but comment on?
I don't like talking to a vacuum. I recently pared down my friends list on Facebook so that on my friends list I had only people that I actually talk to or people that I might be interested in talking to, and people that I thought that if I was to call them or send them a message, that I would get something back from them. I got rid of all the people that I was friends with on Facebook just because we went to the same high school. I got rid of all the people that I was friends with just because I met them at a bar a few times. If I see those bar people again and I have an actual interesting conversation with them, then maybe I'll friend them on Facebook. I'm not collecting people, I just want people to actually interact with. I don't always have time to see people in person. Most of the people I'm friends with on Facebook are on Facebook pretty consistently (I have no one in particular in mind). I see them as being online, because they have their chat icon right underneath my picture, lit up in green. So should I take anything from it when I post something and nobody responds? I can get past it when I post music videos and nobody responds, those aren't that compelling; however, I don't just post any crap that may fancy me at the moment. I post music videos because they speak to me in some way. And I don't always say something above the link to that effect, but even if I do, most of the time it gets ignored.
I don't post anything controversial, mainly because I don't have a strong opinion on anything controversial. I lose interest in arguing about bullshit topics faster than the half life of some esoteric atom that only someone well versed in chemistry or science would be able to reference. I've been posting up some blogs that I've been writing recently, and they're mostly like diary entries. I've had no response. Is it because no one has anything to say? Is it not any good? I have a view counter on my blog website, so I can see how many people have looked at my blog, and when, and even what state they are in (no one has commented on my blog on the blogsite either).
So do people just not comment? I see people post some insipid inanities about their day and they get 10-15 comments about whatever they're talking about. Is it just different friends? Is it just that we are all too busy to keep up with and try to respond to a post; are we too busy to make up something snarky or interesting to say on someone else's comment or status update or blog? What is it that stops people who are online from commenting on other people's online face? Their online reality? One of the reasons that I wanted to get rid of people that I didn't actually talk to was that I wanted people of quality, people who I thought might actually care about what I say or post, or people who I would actually talk to at a bar. Most of the time the only people I talk to on Facebook is people that I actually talk to in person or people that are far away that I would find some other way to talk to if there wasn't Facebook. Is there a reason for Facebook, other than an ego boost? Maybe if I meet someone new and I friend them on Facebook and they look at my wall they'll be impressed with the diversity of music that I play, the witticisms that I add as my frequent (but not crazy often) status updates. Is that what I'm doing?
Well, as far as that rhetorical question goes, no, I'm not doing that. I enjoy communicating with people online because it allows me to be a little more in depth with people. I'm able to more fully complete my thoughts if I'm typing them rather than speaking, where there's the possibility of being interrupted. There's a deeper quality in that kind of communication, one that if people took the time to explore online, I think that the internet could be a much more inclusive place.
I got rid of the friends that I had on Facebook that I only knew of from high school (not people that I was actually friends with) because I still didn't actually talk to them. Maybe I knew better or they knew better then, in high school, that we just didn't mesh very well. As much as it pecks at my feelings and self esteem to post something that's personal and true to my heart to the general public and get no response, it hurts just that much more to send it out and have the people that I actually care about disregard what is inside of me. People can make the excuse of time constraints, but really, if you have time to get on facebook, you have time. You have time to respond to someone that you know, someone that you may have loved at some point, someone who you think you could love, someone in your life who you know means more to you than just clicking the (way too easy) like button.
Should I be edgier, should I bare more of my soul? Should I be more carefree? Should I not care if there's a response to what I post, should I just do it no matter if anyone responds right now?
To the last rhetorical question, I'll have to say yes. I went through a phase of not posting anything to my Facebook, because what I was posting was not getting any response, and admittedly it did eat away at my self-esteem. I thought I was adding to the conversation with my meaningful message, but your lament against stupid people (so original!) gets a bevy of consoling responses. So I stopped posting anything for a while, because I had status update anxiety. What if nobody thinks this is interesting? What if nobody comments? What if I know someone would comment but they won't ever see it because they have too many friends and it will get buried amongst the others? And I do comment on other people's posts. I'm not a black hole of attention. I try to comment if someone hasn't already said what I'd like to say, or if a joke comes into my head as soon as I read it.
But really, fuck you. Fuck you if you don't comment. I'm writing some things that are completely true to myself and I'm proud of them. I'm not going to stop posting, I'm not going to stop writing because you have no response. This is my diva moment up on stage, stopping the concert to berate the audience for not cheering loud enough. So fuck you again. I may not deserve your praise yet, but I do know I deserve your attention, because I give you mine.
And no, I won't send you a happy birthday message on your birthday because Facebook tells me to do so. If I didn't know it was your birthday because we don't see each other in real life or communicate at all except for half-ass stalking on Facebook, then any message is false.
This is why I don't believe in Facebook. It allows half-ass friendships to be the norm, to be acceptable.
So I'm not begging for comments or responses (maybe I am). I just wish that it could be the same as it would be if we were together, in the same room. Unless you had a really low opinion of me, you wouldn't allow the things I said to just float out into nothingness, you would respond. Maybe this frustration I feel is because I've been trapped alone in front of a computer since Thursday and I haven't gotten the normal human interaction I would have gotten if I had been able to go out into the world.
When I get on Facebook, I'll leave it open just in case someone wants to send me something or responds to something that I have put out. Do you do that? Am I just needy? What do you want out of this online experience?